Fake News! Read All About It!

Fake news is in the news again. Or is the news. Or isn’t. Oh, I don't know what to believe anymore. So-and-so is manipulating some other person's social media account; one country is being really naughty when it comes to hacking into other countries bits and bobs; and everyone is denying everything.

So, in the spirit of topicality and sticking to the maxim, ‘if you can’t beat them there’s a good chance the eggs have gone off, I can exclusively reveal my own list of gardening fake news stories.

fallen-ladderGardening is good for you. All that green gym, physical exercise malarkey - it’s got to be fake. In the past year alone, I have fallen off a ladder, got a splinter in my thumb whilst weeding, twisted my knee when getting up from a particularly vigorous session of planting and trapped my finger in the door of the greenhouse.

Gardening is good for you? Obviously, some kind of propaganda being put out by local walk-in health centres.

worryingHere’s another. Gardening is good for your mental heatlh. Rubbish - fake news if I ever smelt it. In the last year I have had sleepless nights over whether the frost was going to nobble my aubergines, whether I had sowed the carrots too thickly, and (whilst on holiday) if the automatic watering system dripping/leaking/blown off the tap or saturating the dahlia. Do you know the effects of sleep deprivation on your mental state? You will if you garden.

Gardening is good for you? Obviously, some kind of propaganda put out by mattress makers up and down the country.

muddy-handAnd here’s another I’ve unearthed. Gardening is good for your spiritual well-being. Getting your hands in the soil is great as it reconnects you to the earth. Tosh. In the past year, I have put my hands into lots of soil. I’ve reconnected with cat poo, slivers of glass and ceramic, lots of stones, tonnes of sand, a few dollops of clay and billions of microbes. The stats state that at least five of those billions will want to harm me. And stats never lie. Or do they? After all, 93.56% of stats are made up. And that’s one of them.

Gardening is good for you? Obviously, some kind of propaganda being drip fed into society by manufacturers of dermatological creams.

sawing-logsOne more, and I reckon you can guess what it is. Gardening is good for your sociable spirit. Yep, I’ve read that gardening is sociable. What utter nonsense. I won’t name names - or do a ‘call out’ in today's parlance of fake news - but the noise of one neighbour cutting logs solidly for two days kind of gets in your head. Another neighbour insists on singing ‘ging gang goolie goolie goolie goolie watcha ging gang goo, ging gang goo’ at his barking dogs on a Sunday morning, and as far as I’m aware neither he or his feral animals are scouts. It may come as a bit of a shock but I’m not perfect, honest, and I have to admit to scaring a very good neighbour away by offering beetroot every time I spot them in their garden.

Gardening is good for you? Obviously, some kind of propaganda put about by the Jamboree Ticket Sales Agency and the Beetroot Aversion Therapy Clinics springing up around the country (Fake news - there’s lots of it around you know).

I’m only kidding you. Of course, gardening is good for. We all know that.

After all, recent news states that gardening gloves and ear defenders will be supplied free of charge by all local councils in 2018 so that decent, law abiding citizens can thoroughly enjoy the physical, mental and sociable attributes to reconnecting with the soil. Yeah right.